January 17, 2012

Back from Hibernation

Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! It’s been six long months since my last post. A great many things have transpired since we last spoke, a great many things indeed: My family and I moved from Knoxville to L.A. in September, that same month I began writing a new novel called Hangman’s Highway. In October, I  got a new job at the Cheesecake Factory, read about a ba-gillion books in November, my daughter, Paisley, turned one right after Christmas, and, oh yeah… sold a short story. Boo-yah. It’s called “Godforsaken”. It’s a happy little tale about the devil making a movie in the Eighties. Pretty creepy stuff.

Did you miss me? I sure as hell missed you, Faithful Followers. Where does the time go, honestly? Gone are the days where I could work eight hours, come home, eat Wendys, write until two in the morning, and then play PS3 for a couple of hours, sleep in late, and then get up and do it all over again.

With a baby in the next room everything has changed.

Don’t get me wrong: that little girl rocks my socks off. I love everything about her, but what you have to understand is, and yes, this is an admission of guilt….

I, Brad Carpenter, am a selfish toolbag.

Day and night all I think about is writing my book. Most of you know me fairly well, and you know that I have an obsessive personality. (i.e. Doctor Who, X-Files, Games of Thrones) I am absolutely engrossed in this new novel. It has become almost impossible to focus on anything else. Even as I write this post, I keep looking at the clock-  my palms are sweating, my feet are tapping nervously- all because I think: I could be writing Hangman right now. This is a waste of time.

The good news is that I will get to write some of Hangman today. Not much but a little. Before the baby, it was nothing to write five days a week, doing at least 3000 words a day. Nowadays, after baby, I am lucky- I mean freak’n lucky- if I can get in 3000 words a week!!! But nonetheless, I press forward, typing with the ferocity of a tornado, pounding the keys in a fervent rush to the finish line…

But then I have to go to work….

Sigh. Look, if you work with me than you know I like my job. I do. Sure, I hate serving tables, but ya know, who doesn’t. That being said,  if I have be a server/bartender than I’m glad its at the Cheesecake Factory; I’m glad its with all those cool cats I work with. But some nights are almost unbearable. What are you doing? says my subconscious. Why are you refilling that strawberry lemonade? You should be at home, writing Hangman.

This is where the Good Angel and the Bad Angel appear on my shoulder.

“Remember your family, Brad,” whispers the one who wears a halo. It sparkles in the moody restaurant ambiance.  ”You work here to make money for them.”

“Quit this stink’n dump!” shouts the little man wearing crimson footsie pajamas with an unbuttoned flap in the back so his little red tail can wiggle around freely. He holds a pitchfork in his one hand, and strokes his goatee with the other pale, gaunt talon, but all I can focus on are the spiraling rams horns jutting out the top of his head. “You don’t need this stupid place. Pour that hot tea all over than mean Asian lady’s lap! Muhahahaha! Quit, damn you, quit!”

“No!” I shout. The other employees ponder me for a moment, puzzled, then carry on about their business as if such a sudden outburst was commonplace. Perhaps it is?

“Wise move,” says the Light.

“Dumbass,” says the Dark. Ah… but he has not yet finished with me. “Fine. If you won’t quit… give up your shift tomorrow. You don’t need it. You could write all day! Wouldn’t that be wonderful!!!!”

Yes, I think. That would be wonderful.

And what do I do? I give up my shift.

Why do I do this?

Because… I, Brad Carpenter, am a self-absorbed bunghole.

So, I don’t work the next day. I get up early so I can write. But… here’s the rub…. My wife needs me. Angrily, I go help her with the baby. Then… even though I swore that I wouldn’t enjoy it… I start having fun playing with them.

All my life I wanted to tell stories. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. I knew we would be poor. I knew it would be a struggle. But what I did  not expect, what continues to blindside me even as I write this, is the constant tug-o-war between my family and my book. I do my best to find balance (and my wife is soooo good to me) and I get done what I can… but it’s not enough. Its never enough. And I go to bed with that awful stench of failure saturating through my pores.

And the next day I go to work; I refill lemonades, I pour Asians hot tea.

“Excuse me,” says a guest that isn’t even my table, “can we get some more brown bread?”

Oh yea. Can’t forget the damn brown bread. Its really wheat bread, but for some reason no one thinks it is. Everyone calls it brown bread, be it a homeless vagabond or a  highly-credentialed academic.

“Hello,” another table flags me down, “can we get some more pumpernickel bread?” I sigh, roll my eyes, grab their basket, and dutifully fulfill their request.

Again, two minutes later, the same table asks for more bread, their third basket. “More bread please. Only the chocolate bread, none of the white. We love the chocolate bread. It’s the reason we come here!”

I want to slap them  in the face. The devil on my shoulder dares me to do it, dares me to jump on the table and scream, “THIS IS THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY, NOT THE BROWN BREAD BAKERY! WE HAVE OVER 2oo THINGS ON OUR MENU! OUR FOOD IS DELICIOUS, OUR DRINKS ARE TERRIFIC, AND OUR DESERTS ARE THE BEST! AND ALL YOU WANT IS THE MOTHER F@#$*#&# BROWN BREAD! YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT OF THIS PLACE!”

But I don’t. Instead I go home and blog about it.

Now I’m back at home. It’s morning and I’m settling in getting ready to write at least two thousand words. But guess what… My wife needs me. She asks me to watch the baby, hacking up a storm. She is sick. Real sick probably. I wish I could tell you that I was the swashbuckling prince that she deserves. I wish I stood up, pounded my chest and said, “Honey, your health and well being is all I care about. Go, lie down, rest until you feel one hundred percent better. Shall I fluff your pillow?”

We all know thats not what happened.

Why?

Because I, Brad Carpenter, am egotistical imbecile.

Instead, I made her feel guilty. Sure, I watched the baby while she slept, but I did it begrudgingly. As I do many things. Why am I doing this. I could be writing Hangman.

All the while my wife is standing there, with a pair of shoulder-angels all her own, being dared to scream at me: “THIS IS YOUR LIFE! YOU HAVE AN AWESOME WIFE WHO BELIEVES IN YOU, A DAUGHTER WHO WORSHIPS YOU, AND A FAMILY WHO IS THE BEST! AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS MOTHER F@**&#^ WRITE! YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT OF THIS PLACE!”

Yup. Guilty as charged.

Inadvertently, I have become just like all those stupid restaurant guests. I should get up everyday and order huge helpings of Wife and Baby, with only a basket or two of writing. I need to remember the main course. That is why I got married and had a family in the first place, to be filled by them. My writing, all though it is important, is essentially, in the grand scheme of things just a side dish.

My book is only….. gulp… brown bread.

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June 27, 2011

Brad’s Summer Blockbuster Breakdown: Part Two, this time…. its personal.

Somebody pinch me. Is the summer half over already? Wondering what you’ve been doing to make the time fly by? Well, have no fear, Faithful Followers, here’s a recap: Johnny Depp swashbuckled, hurdled, bounded, and summersaulted his way through King George’s palace all for a single bite of a delicious pastry, the Hangover plagiarized itself, Kevin Bacon killed scores of mutants from the safety of his Austin Powers-esque submarine, and JJ Abrams wrote a love letter to Spielberg. The consensus so far? Well, most critics agree that the best movie of the summer- as of now- is…. Kung Fu Panda 2. I didn’t make that up, folks.

Okay, so, once again I have no delusions that my opinions will persuade anyone. I just want to pass along tidbits and info you might not have known. As I have not seen ANY of these films yet, I will rate the movie in three categories: 1) GOTTA SEE THIS! 2) ON THE FENCE  3) NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE

June 29

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

  • NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE
WHY: Let’s give credit where credit is due. These movies look awesome. The trailer is a very well done and there is no doubt in my mind that some of theses sequences will blow people away- most particularly intriguing, to me, is the sequence where the skyscraper is being severed in the center, and topples down, sending the heros sprawling- yeah, that’ll be cool. However, sadly, that is all this franchise has ever been able to offer: a few good sequences of robot ruin and human bedlam. They try, God bless ‘em they try, but they can only do so much with this cheesy 1980′s material.
                  Honestly, I don’t think we can blame any of the film makers here. In this day an age, nostalgia goes very, very far. What if they did put some sort of substance to these films? My guess is it would feel out of place and unnecessary. Worse, if they were to smarten up the content, where would that leave the plot? No one would believe robots morph into 18-wheelers and fight other robots. Unfortunately, it’s a loose/loose situation. These films are forever doomed to fail. Michael Bay, who gets so much crap for his films, was hired to appeal to a certain demograph. I think Mr. Bay and Mr. Spielberg can sleep easy. Their mission has been accomplished, tenfold. Yes, they can sleep well on their duvets woven from hundred dollar bills.
July 1st
Larry Crown
  • ON THE FENCE
WHY: Tom Hanks stars and directs this dram-com about fresh starts during midlife. On one hand, I’m excited. Mr. Hanks hasn’t directed a full length movie since That Thing You Do in 1996. However, I am leery. This may well be one of the movies only middle-aged people go to see after they split and endless pasta combo and breadsticks at the Olive Garden. Then, again, it may be good. As you can see, I’m pretty conflicted. But Tom and Julia in Charlie Wilson’s War was a thrill to watch. Perhaps sparks will fly again. Yikes, the longer I speculate on this one, the more I want to get in my PJs and eat ice cream. Moving along….
  • Other movies coming out this week: Monte Carlo starring Selena Gomez, The Perfect Host, starring David Hyde Pierce; watch the trailer, it looks deviously bad- in a good way. And, then, Terri, with John C. Reily as a high school principle wanting to help a geeky, antisocial kid. Looks good to me.
July 8th
Horrible Bosses
  • GOTTA SEE THIS
WHY: What a great concept. Its simple. Everybody at some point and time has wanted to kill their boss. I myself want to kill my boss all the time. Wait, scratch that. They might read this blog. Nah, what am I saying…. my stupid managers can’t read. I walk on eggshells everyday behind that damn bar for nickels. Wooden nickels. While they play God with my schedule. I am gonna see this movie in the front row- but I won’t be able to afford popcorn. Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox and actually talk about the movie.
It has a great cast. Jason Bateman, Charlie Day from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jason Sudeikis, Jennifer Aniston, Jamie Foxx, Kevin Spacey, and Collin Farrell (who sports a stinking hilarious hair piece).
Zookeeper
  • NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE
WHY: Uh…………………………….. Nah. Its like Thumper the Rabbit’s mom always said, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” (NOTE: If they put Thumper the Rabbit in this film it would be slightly better.)
  • Other movies coming out that week: The Ward and The Ledge- two films that I don’t know much about, and Project Nim- a wonderful documentary about Nim the Monkey who was taught how to speak sign language in the 70′s. (NOTE: If they put Nim the Monkey in Zookeeper that film would be slightly better.)
July 15th
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
  • GOTTA SEE THIS!!!!!
WHY: Some dirty wizard on wizard action. I mean it. Look at the kids on that poster, covered in dirt. I’d wager a knut, sickle, and a galleon that  a little swish-and-flick of the old wand would do wonders for their hygiene. Oh well, more important things are at stake. Those bloody horcruxes. The final battle is at hand, all secrets will be revealed. I will be there dressed as Dumbledore, crescent moon specs and all.
  • Others movies coming out this week: A new version of Winnie the Pooh.
July 22
Captain America: The First Avenger
  • NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE
WHY: Joe Johnson. He’s the director. Jurassic Park 3 Joe Johnson. He’s the guy who put a talking raptor in an airplane. Don’t believe me? Youtube it. See, told ya. Talking raptor in an airplane. Okay, I forgive him for one bad movie. Oh wait. He did the Wolfman with Benincio Del Toro. Yikes. That one was almost impossible to sit through. Oh wait, he also did Hidalgo with Viggo Mortenson. That thing just kept going. God, I’m sorry. I hate to be such a film bitch. Joe look, man, I liked October Sky and the soundtrack to The Rocketeer was top notch, and when I was ten I LOVED Honey I Shrunk the Kids. So, in short, I apologize for being so critical. Now, my hope, is we can put our little scuffle behind us. I’ll stop saying bad things about you, and in turn, you have to make Captain America good.
Friends with Benefits
  • NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE
WHY: I like Justin Timberlake, really I do. And Mila Kunis has proved she’s got some acting chops. But this movie just seems like a run-of-the-mill filler movie. Also, I think I would feel insecure the whole time I watched it. I would feel like two really good-looking people were pointing and laughing at me the whole time. Actually, that is probably in the screenplay.
Justin’s Character: “You are really, really good looking.”
Mila’s Character: “You’re also really, really good looking.”
Justin’s Character: “Lets suck face!”
And somewhere along the road, they discover that they love each other. The End. Roll credits. I feel so ugly.
  • Other movies coming out that week: Life in a Day, produced by Ridley Scott showing Youtube submissions about life and love and how we spend our days.
July 29th
Cowboys and Aliens
  • GOTTA SEE THIS
WHY: I know the name makes some people cringe. And I’d be leery of it too if it wasn’t Mr. John Favreau, the mastermind behind Elf and the Iron Man movies. I mean, honestly, no one is really expecting much from this movie full of magic, alien bracelets and grizzly, unshaven men- at least you shouldn’t- that way, if turns out to be awesome- you’ll be pleasantly surprised. And if it turns out to be stinky, like Daredevil, well no big deal. Favreau claims he set out to make a kick ass Western… that has aliens in it. Cool. If it ends up being more Western than sci-fi I think it’ll be good.
                    Moreover, Harrison Ford minus a fedora and plus a cowboy hat still equals Harrison Ford. That’s the kinda math I like to do. Tune in next summer for Cowboys and Zombies. Then next Christmas for Sparkly Vampires and aliens.
  • Other movies out this week: The Smurfs- kill me. Crazy, stupid, love starring Julianne Moore and Emma Stone, The Devil’s Double about becoming a double for Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday. Then, The Guard starring Brendan Gleeson and Don Cheadle.
August 5th
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
  • NO, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE
WHY: Here’s a riddle for ya: what do you get when a table full of studio executives sit in a room and brain storm movies to rehash? You get the Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The film rights to this franchise go up for option soon, so they felt the need to milk the monkeys for all they’re worth. The trailer is so bad, I dare you to watch it and not crack a smile. I won’t say much, cause I don’t want to be overly critical…. but with a budget of over 90 million its hard to say anything polite. So, I’ll close by quoting Charleton Heston, the original hero in the series: “You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”
So… okay…. everything in Hollywood these days is a trilogy. So too will be my Summer Movie Blog… coming soon to a computer screen near you!
*Next week I’ll put out a mid-summer book list! (Fair Warning, I just spent a whole weekend with the Horror Writers Association, so expect a bunch of freak’n awesome horror books!)

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May 16, 2011

Brad’s Blockbuster Breakdown! Part One

Somebody pass the sunscreen and put an extra shot of tequila in my margarita cause summer is almost here and that ole, crazy mistress named Hollywood is shelling out exorbitant, multi-billion dollar chucks of flaming celluloid! We’ve had to suffer through the doldrums of Springtime Cinema for far too long, and now, my Faithful Followers, the time of the Blockbusters is at hand. Or, as the movie trailer announcer with the deep voice would say, “this summer…. the Blockbusters are back and this time…. its personal!”

I have no delusions that my opinions will persuade anyone. I just want to pass along tidbits and info you might not have known. As I have not seen ANY of these films yet, I will rate the movie in three categories: 1) GOTTA SEE THIS! 2) ON THE FENCE  3) NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE

May 20th

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides 


  •  GOTTA SEE THIS

WHY: To me, this movie is a no-brainer. Plot doesn’t matter. Even the villain doesn’t matter. This franchise solely and irrevocably lies on the shoulders of Johnny Depp, or rather, on Jack Sparrow’s shoulders, who, in this blogger’s modest opinion, is one of the strongest, most exciting, and downright fun characters to hit the Big Screen since Harrison Ford donned his whip and fedora. And now, three films later, it seems, that Disney has finally figured this out, because, AT LONG LAST, they got rid of Orlando Bloom’s droll character and traded in Keira Knightly’s archetype for a much better model, Penelope Cruiz.

This time around we have a new director, Rob Marshall(Chicago, Memoirs of a Geisha) who will lend his very trained and thoughtful eye to the series. Hopefully, Marshall will find a way to pace the film better than the last installment. If the pacing gets fixed, then all one’s gotta do is scout out the most lush, exotic location you can find, add in the clever quips from the imfamos screenwriting duo, Ted Elliot and Terri Russo(Aladdin, Shrek, Pirates 1,2,3, and the two National Treasure films) and you have yourself a winning summer blockbuster.

  • Other films coming out this week: Woody Allen’s new flick, Midnight in Paris and Bloodworth starring Kris Kristofferson. My advice, don’t see either one of them. Especially not Woody Allen’s pic. In the movie world, Allen, who once walked on water, has become as obsolete as linear editing.

May 26th

The Hangover Part II


  • GOTTA SEE THIS!

WHY: We all can recall the first time we watched the first one, no expectations, only a cup of popcorn and a soda. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, we are hit with the notion that we are witnessing a comedy classic! Hollywood couldn’t resist doing a sequel, and the question on everyone’s mind is, can lightning strike twice? I think it can, actually. All the elements are there. Same cast, same director. No Vegas this time, but Thailand seems so utterly brilliant its hard to express into words. Also Todd Phillips(Road Trip, Old school, The Hangover) is notorious for finding hilarious sequences to put these characters in. Most notably, for me, is the scene in the trailer where the car smashes into a hanging pig carcass on the streets of Thailand and blood goes everywhere, they all scream! I can’t wait for this one, folks.

Kung-Fu Panda 2


  •  NOPE, I’LL STAY HOME AND PICK MY NOSE

WHY: I did like the first one, but I’m always weary of cartoon flicks these days. They are just so cookie-cutter and massed produced. They are like the Tyson Chicken of cinema. One day soon, when my daughter is older I’ll have to go see movies like this…. but not yet. I’m not ready yet.

May 27th

The Tree of Life


  • GOTTA SEE THIS!

WHY: Have you seen the trailer? What an awesome trailer. So peculiar and intriguing. If you haven’t seen it, you are missing out. This project has been in the works for a long, long time. I remember getting updates as far back as ’07 that Brad Pitt was attached. This is acclaimed director Terrance Malick’s(Badlands, the Thin Red Line, The New World) most personal work, something he has had in his head from all the way back in the late 70′s. It follows the story of the O’Brien Family, a mom and dad and three boys. One of the boys witnesses a loss of innocence. This will be a welcome change from the explosions and popcorn from the other summer flicks. And Brad Pitt, can this guy do anything wrong? Nah, he rocks. Just give him an Oscar already. They gave one to Ben Afflack, and old Brad’s got nothing. Think about it.

June 3rd

X-Men: First Class


  • GOTTA SEE THIS!

WHY: I was very, very tempted to put ON THE FENCE with this one because the last X-Men was so painfully excruciating to watch. However, the blame for X3 rests in the lap of Brett Ratner the suckest of sucks of all the sucky directors. This addition to the franchise, a prequel, has a FANTASTIC director at the helm, Matthew Vaughn. The genius behind such great films as Layer Cake, Stardust, and Kickass. He is perfect for a film like this. Vaughn is equal parts blockbuster and art-house. He will bring to the movie a certain credibility that the last one lacked.

Also, as a side note, most trends in Hollywood I hate. But there is a new trend sweeping the nation… Putting talented actors in big-budget movies instead of marquee names! And I LOVE this! For example, they casted Tom Hiddleson as Loki in Thor and now they’ve got Michael Fassbender(Inglorious Basterds, 300, Jane Erye) as Magneto and the incredible Jennifer Lawrence(Winter’s Bone) as Mystique and James Macavoy as Professor X. Yes, Hollywood keep this trend going. Love it.

  • Other movies coming out this week: an art-house flick about young love and lust called Submarine, a movie with Ewan McGregor where he finds out his dad is gay called Beginners, a very harrowing film about the parents of a school-shooter Beautiful Boy stars Micheal Sheen and Maria Bello, and the Howard Marks biopic entitled Mr. Nice. *All in all, this will be a GREAT week for movies.

June 10th

Super 8


  • GOTTA SEE THIS!!!!

WHY: Notice the three extra exclamation points at the end of GOTTA SEE THIS!!! This should convey my excitement. My prediction, with the exception of maybe Harry Potter, this WILL BE the GOTTA SEE movie of the summer. If you only see one, it should be this one. As with any project headed by JJ Abrams(Lost, Mission Impossible 3, Star Trek) it has the makings to be something very special. A kid who loves making movies witnesses a train wrek but something was on board that train, something the government didn’t want anyone to see…. JJ Abrams is well on his way to becoming the next Spielberg, and this my Faithful Followers, is his ET. I’m sooooo excited I might just poop my pants, but I’m an adult and I have some restraint… wait… AH-OH…. need to go change.

  • Other movies coming out this week are Troll Hunter, a Norwegian film about a group of film students who discover a government conspiracy, and trolls are real. Then a kid movie called Judy Moody and the not Bummer Summer. But who cares about any of these movies? If you go see any of these and don’t go see Super 8, you are a communist.

June 17

The Green Lantern


  • ON THE FENCE

WHY: When I was a kid I loved the Green Lantern. This may be the reason for my apprehension. It is a toss up. Even the director is a double-sided coin. His name is Martin Campell and he has done good movies and bad ones. On one hand, he’s done Casino Royale- God, I love that movie! But on the other hand, he did both the new Zorro movies, the first one was alright… the second… AWFUL!

I’ve got no problems with Ryan Reynolds, I think he is a good actor and he looks the part. However, that being said, I just know they are going to make him say stupid lines, and they are going to try to make him be goofy and funny throughout the movie, relying more on Reynold’s comedic talent rather than story and plot progression. The overall look of the film is very impressive. I do like the CGI in this, it feels crisp and original not like the lame old crap from something like Transformers. Again, like I said before on the X-Men post, the Hollywood trend on casting great actors stands, they’ve got Peter Sarsgaard(Garden State, Jarhead,and An Education) cast as the villain, Hecktor Hammond! Despite my apprehension, I will be there opening night, and I hope, that this one is like Thor, and I will be pleasantly surprised.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins


  • NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE

WHY: Remember when Jim Carrey was the funniest man in the universe. I for one still think he has the potential, hell, I will even go as far as saying that he is one of the MOST versatile actors working in Hollywood. But, on this flick, I get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I actually feel sorry for him? You can tell in the first two seconds of the trailer that no effort went into this film at all. It’s just Jim Carrey making faces and making jokes in an apartment full of penguins. Cue the unexpected house guests and watch how he contours his body and distorts his face, then at the climax, he discovers that he has wasted his life being a workaholic and will now devote his time to his family……. UGH.

Why, Jim, why? My anger doesn’t just stem from just this monstrosity. Fun with Dick and Jane. Why, Jim, why? Yes, Man. Why, Jim, why? Horton Hears a Who. Why, Jim, why? And by far the worst of them all, Robert Zemekis’s A Christmas Carol. WHY, JIM, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY!

June 24th

Cars 2


  • NOPE, I’LL STAY AT HOME AND PICK MY NOSE

WHY: Here’s a sequel nobody asked for. Well, ready or not, Pixar’s gonna jam it down your gullet anyways. The first one was, hands down, the WORST Pixar movie ever, and I can not, not EVER, in good conscience support anything Larry the Cable Guy is in. He sucks. Big time. And this movie will too.

Bad Teacher


  • ON THE FENCE

WHY: This one is tough to review before you see it. Who knows, it could be good? However, it could be a god-awful crapfest. There’s no doubt that, thanks to SNL, Justin Timberlake has proven himself to be a force-to-be-reckoned with in comedy, and so has Jason Segal… but Cameron Diaz? What’s she done lately that hasn’t sucked… see you can’t even think of anything. I will go see this movie. But I’m not exactly looking forward to it. Does that make sense?

  • Other movies coming out this week: a documentary with a pretty self-explanatory title called, Conan O’Brian Can’t Stop which I bet will be pretty damn funny. Then, another art-house flick by the director of About a Boy, called A Better Life.

Okay, I’ve cut the Summer Line-up in half. Hope that was helpful, Faithful Followers. Stay tuned for Part Two, coming in June.

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April 21, 2011

Happy Dagger Review: Room by Emma Donoghue

Come on, most of you folks know me, I’m not a guy who tends to be sentimental…. However, that being said, if you should choose to read “Room” (and I strongly suggest you do) get ready for one emotional read! Every once and a while a book comes along with the power to deconstruct humanity, to shine a light on love, and to magnify our convictions. The powerful narration in Donoghue’s newest novel strips you of all preconceived influences and forces the reader to sympathize with these very relevant characters. Love, life, death, and pain are all explored and explained all from the point-of-view of Jack, a five year old boy who has spent his entire life trapped inside an 11 by 11 foot room with his Ma.

THE MEAT AND POTATOES OF THE STORY: To Jack, Room is his home. Room is where all his friends live; like Rug, Bed, Chair, and Lamp, just to name a few. (These objects don’t come to life and talk to him or anything so magical; Jack has just lived by these things for so long they have become synonyms with people, which is why they all get capital letters.) Room is a safe place where Jack can be close with Ma and play and read the few books on the shelves again and again. There is nothing to fear in Room- well except when “Old Nick” comes in Door and Jack has to hide in Wardrobe because Bed gets all squeaky.

WHY THIS BOOK IS SO GOOD?: Jack. His voice is timeless. We, the reader, only know what Jack knows, we only learn when Jack learns. At first, we don’t think anything sinister about Room, but through carefully hidden clues in the dialogue between Ma and Jack, we discover Room is not the haven he thinks it is. Jack soon learns that Room, to Ma, is a dungeon. A place where she has been wasting away for many, many years.

ANOTHER REASON THIS BOOK IS SO GOOD: It lingers. I dreamt about Jack. I found myself narrating my own life in Jack’s voice. I can not get rid of it, but that’s okay, he can stick around as long as he likes.

WRITING KUDOS TO EMMA: She could have easily bogged down the narrative with exposition, inking pages full of backstories of Ma before Room. But this never happens. And I love that. Kudos, Emma, Kudos.

NOT GOING TO GIVE ANYTHING AWAY BUT…. more characters are introduced, more situations arise for Jack to question and to deal with in his own way.

Trust me, Faithful followers of Happy Dagger, this one is worth your time. Summer is around the bend, you’re gonna need something to read when your around the pool. But beware, bring sunscreen, because once you start you won’t put it down, and your skin is gonna be baked.

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April 3, 2011

This Goy’s Paper Golem!

Recently, over the past two weeks, I went back to tweak my “finished” manuscript, oh yet again. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve done this. Five times? No, probably more like eight. I have come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be completely happy with it and it will be a thorn in my side until that wonderfully bittersweet day when it is released to the public(hopefully).

Every writer wrestles with self-doubt, every scribe hears a voice that whispers of the joys of quitting, the bliss of washing your hands of all ties, and, I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been tempted to just to give up. (Better not quit your day job, Brad.) But, right now, that’s not what I’m struggling with. Somehow, I’ve learned to subdue that horned devil on my shoulder. By some miracle, I’ve figured out how to ignore the self-doubt. No siree-bob, I’ve got bigger problems.

My manuscript feels lifeless. Feels like a hunk of papers that would have been better off being toilet paper; at least, then, it would have been put to better use, wiping some poor sap’s ass.

Okay, perhaps that’s a bit harsh. It’s not that my manuscript is bad, on the contrary, each time I re-read it, I fall in love with the characters, the story, and the overall outcome all over again. But then a strange thing happens, it lingers, the initial romance begins to wain and I’m left with a hundred thousand word dust collector that I loath and want to throw into a shredder one mocking sheet of paper at a time!

Its exhausting being so schizophrenic with something so personal.

So, I do what any good writer should, I send query letters to agents even though something is erking me in the back of my mind. Then I wait. Then wait some more. And now, months later, my beloved manuscript has become something more than a bundle of inanimate paper, it has become an iron shackle, fettered and fashioned to my ankle, breaking skin, striking bone, weighing down both my will and my passion.

There’s gotta be a way to remedy such a potentially disastrous catastrophe, there must be some way to nip this problem in the bud once and for all. I know the answer, perhaps I have known it all along, but didn’t know how to execute such a devious notion.

I, Brad Carpenter, god of my story, must breathe life into my creation. I must sacrifice a rib so that I may have companionship. Where there once was darkness, now there is light. Can I getta, Glow-ray to GAWD, Amen!

All I’m missing is that fabled spark of life. Now, here’s a theological question for ya… where did that spark come from? And how can I re-create it in my own work? We can sit here and argue theology till L. Ron Hubbard comes back from the dead, or until you see Tom Cruise in your corn flakes, but I don’t want to debate, I want to create.

My search has led me to the teachings of Kabbalah- the REAL Kabbalah, not the Hollywood knockoff associated with Britney Spears and Madonna. The Sefer Yetzirah(book of creation) has popularized the idea of a golem, not to be confused with the Lord of the Ring’s Character, Gollum(although the etymology of this name wasn’t a mistake…). The word in Hebrew translates to “lump”, as in a lump of clay or dirt, which is what most golems are made out of, and are brought to life by mystical means. In most cases, the Hebrew word for truth(emet) is written on a scrap of paper, rolled up, and placed inside the unanimated creature’s mouth. Next a series of alphabetical chants is spoken, then, fingers crossed, your golem comes to life. The spiritual purpose of such an exersize is to symbolize God speaking into his own chunk of clay, or in this case, Adam. Also, I assume, it is yet another test of faith.

Now, I’m not saying I’m gonna write the Hebrew words on the front cover of my manuscript, say a string of prayers, and then hope by faith my book comes alive-

-oh, wait- I mean, yes. Yes…. That’s exactly what I’m gonna do! I already put emet at the beginning of this post.

Here is a book I finished a few weeks ago, but its been on my mind ever since. 

The idea of turning your works into golems is further explored in these pages, as are other subjects spanning from why writers write to writing fan fiction. If you have EVER wanted to write anything, this book is as essential as a thesaurus or White and Strunk’s Elements of Style. Chabon composes words like notes on a scale, they flow with such ease; it staggers my mind. Even the best writers(believe me, he is one of the best) have loathed their own work, struggled to regain passion, and, in some cases, have even lost the battle.

At the end of the day, when all seems lost; hopeless even, I must continue to believe in myself and believe in my work, and it will remain alive. Or as the Man in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road says, “we’ve got to keep carrying the fire.”

And that is what I intend to do.

From here on out, I will see myself as Geppetto, my work as a talking wooden puppet. I will be Dr. Frankenstein shouting to the heavens, “it’s alive, It’s alive!” Because I believe, it will make it so, and this goy’s paper golem will take on a life of its own. New breath will fill the lungs of every sentence, each word shall bleed like an artery; paragraphs will pulse with exuberance, beating in sync, in rhythm, heartbeat by heartbeat until its very voice sings aloud, refusing to be unnoticed, shaking away layers of peppery dust that once inhabited its bold typeface, the ink will shine, and the title will become a beacon: The Dead Rivals. By Brad Carpenter.

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March 21, 2011

Brad Carpenter in the Basement

Here it is, Faithful followers. My first video blog. Click it. Make it full screen. And enjoy.

WordPress charges an arm and a leg to upload video so I gotta give you a link. Here it is again: Brad smells.

The microphone didn’t work so well sometimes, but no biggie, I’ll fix it on future episodes. So, you may have to turn up your volume.

Special thanks to:

1) Eddie Fontes for making me a kickass theme song. Check out his music, guys, he is pimp. Just by hanging out with him my street cred went up about a billion notches, playa.

2) Mark Lewis and my sis Blair.

3) George RR Martin and Gorge Lucas, for not suing me.

What I learned:

1) make videos shorter in the future.

2) Speak into the mike.

3) Fontes has the voice of an angel.

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March 9, 2011

“Brad Carpenter is an Idiot and So Are All His Friends!”

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It was the turn of the century; Big Billy was still in the Oval Office, cell phone screens were tiny and florescent green, Napster was all the rage, as were boy bands and trucker hats, and somewhere- amidst this pop culture steamroller- my family was in the process of moving into a new house with a pool, a smaller yard for me to mow, and a basement all to myself. Untamable and enthusiastic, I was 16, single, and ready to mingle. I viewed the whole world as an inanimate object, like the globe on teacher’s desk. A great, big glob of blue and dirt, sand, grass, and earth; something that I could conquer. Something that I could manipulate, something I could even learn to control.

Of course this was stupid.

Young Brad was a silly, silly, dumb boy. Yes, I’ll even go as far as calling him, or rather me, an idiot. An idiot with a mission; to entertain the world one story at a time. To frighten the world like King, to inspire like Lewis or Chabon or Golding, to enthrall a world-wide audience like Spielberg, Dickens, or Rowling. Yup, this was the life for me! Up yours, Hemingway. Eat it, Philip Roth. Get bent, Salinger! For Brad Carpenter is gonna rock the casbah harder than any of you chumps have ever rocked in your measly, literary lives!

Of course this was stupid.

One day, between second and third period, young Brad received his first lesson on just how dumb he was.

It was a dark and stormy day, probably. Math quizzes were given, science projects were due, and, per the norm, my homework wasn’t finished and I was copying the answers off a chick sitting next to me. I recall being so close to finishing the ditto worksheet, when the shadow of my teacher loomed over me like a sycamore tree. The dread of a convict facing the gallows washed over me, for I knew instinctively that there was no way to weasel out of this one. I was busted.

The teacher’s last name was Juliet. (Name changed to protect the innocent.) I can’t remember if it was Ms. Juliet or Mrs? But lets just stick with Ms. because no self-respecting man could ever marry this boggart. Or woman for that matter. (There was some talk.) Her hair wasn’t black, it was tar cut in the shape of a toadstool. She had a nose shaped like an isosceles triangle, which is a triangle with two equal sides(learned that from you, Ms. Juliet). But her most prominent feature, the one thing your eyes couldn’t help but focus on, was the bulbous wart on her cheek. Her nose was the pyramid, her wart the sphinx, and she was as harsh and as callous as the Egyptian sand. With one abrupt swipe of her demonic hoof she snatched my paper off my desk, tearing it to shreds. I was sentenced to exile in the doldrums of the high school hallway where I was to spend the remainder of class mulling over my misconduct. Well, mulled I did. In fact, I was having a moral breakdown alone in that dusty corridor.

Somehow I had to fix this. Somehow I had to make this right. After class, I would go back to Ms. Juliet, own up to my crime and apologize. Maybe then, she won’t hate me. Maybe then she’ll think I’m a nice guy.

Of course this was stupid.

The classroom was empty. A tumble weed passed by my feet. I heard Ms. Juliet’s voice coming from inside the teacher’s office. She was giggling along with another teacher I knew. My first reaction was to run away unnoticed, but I paused in the threshold because I heard my name being dropped. I remember being aware of the irony that I’d come to ask forgiveness for cheating but ended up eavesdropping instead. And this is what I heard:

Nice Teacher: “He’s a mess. He could be so smart if he’d just stop being a class clown.”

I wish the conversation stopped here. It didn’t.

Ms. Juliet: “Are we talking about the same kid? Brad Carpenter’s an idiot and so are all his friends!”

My lungs gave out, forgot how to operate. Remember that scene in Temple of Doom where Mola Ram pulls the beating heart out of that guy? That guy was me. In her hands she held my heart, beating and on fire, and then ripped it into pieces like that worksheet she’d confiscated only half an hour ago.

On the one hand, hindsight being twenty-twenty, it was a good thing that I overheard this, it brought me down a couple pegs and got me to actually focus on being a non-idiot. On the other hand, however, every time I opened my word processor to write a story, I heard her voice; so shrill, so falsetto. “Brad Carpenter’s an idiot,” said The Voice, “and so are all his friends!”

My friends! What did they ever do to you, bitch!?!

I was so angry and so full of self-doubt and self-loathing that I couldn’t bring myself to write a single word, and anything I did write just ended up being a carbon copy of Star Wars. But my question is why? Why did this hurt me so badly? It was just some stupid teacher with a stupid wart? Maybe one day I can pay a shrink to psychoanalyze my insecurities and get to the bottom of it, but, the point is, from that day forward I had to start proving to people that I wasn’t an idiot. But I didn’t have the slightest idea how to do this? Can’t someone just read one of my stories and know that I am smart and that I have something important to say?

The answer is no. My writing sucked. It was immature and cliché. Some parts were even… gulp… dumb.

Holy shit! Ms. Juliet is right! Brad Carpenter IS an idiot!

Topsy-turvy. World turned on end. It was time to do some serious soul searching. And for years, that’s what I did. I tried to find some balance between storytelling and credibility. Now, looking back, that day I overheard those two teachers talking was one of the most important days of my life.

For I learned, the hard way, about the power of words.

Words are common. Everywhere. Words are sneezes, words are second glances, words are both the creator and destructor. Words tease and haunt and stick. They burrow and nest into your skin, wearing you like a costume. Words lie. Words heal. Words should be used with caution, but seldom are. Any good writer has an innate knowledge of his or her responsibility to words and to language in general. I can hear Aunt May and Uncle Ben now, “with great power comes great responsibility.”

Yes, this is true.

But who says I have to use this power only for good?

I’m not Spiderman. I’m not a superhero by any stretch of the imagination. (Although I do like to wear spandex.) My objective as a writer is not to be heroic or to write “safe” prose. On the contrary, I have an obligation to dwell outside the realm of safety nets and gutter guards. The best writers are the ones who have mastered the art of balancing on a tight rope, dangling above shark-infested tanks while juggling chainsaws. The real writers, the ones people pay attention to, are the ones who can take the reader into hell without a flashlight or squirt bottle.

These writers, these gods among men, from Mark Twain to Cormac McCarthy, present a different perception of the world. They have brought to the surface, both good and evil, properly representing both. Each night, I read their words in awe. They inspire me to be better, to write everyday. They inspire me to be dangerous.

I wanna be Loki. Or Pan. To seduce the mortals with humor or lust, only to horrify them with murder or rape. I wanna step on toes, I wanna lay down on railroad tracks. What about Holden Caulfield? What about the sex and masturbation in Portnoy’s Complaint? (Phillip Roth, if you haven’t read it. Read it.) What about comparing Muhammad to the devil as Salmon Rushdie did in The Satanic Verses?

This is the kind of writer I want to be.

Of course this is stupid.

I write science fiction and fantasy and adventure stories. But that’s okay. I have done my research and I will continue, day after day, to prove to myself and to Ms. Juliet that I am not an idiot, at least not as big of an idiot as I used to be. I no longer see the world as something to conquer, but rather, something to romance. And I owe it all to that manticore of a teacher I once had in my first year of high school. So, if you ever find yourself crossing a bridge in Knoxville, Tennessee, and you see a troll living underneath, chances are pretty good that it is Ms. Juliet. Do me a favor, tell her that I said thanks.

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